How (Not) to Date Online

Sweaters

Mon, 07 Jun 2010 11:41:40 -0400

Pies For The Blind

Fri, 04 Jun 2010 09:42:09 -0400

Pies For The Blind

Equus Redux

Wed, 02 Jun 2010 12:08:29 -0400

Equus Redux

Advice: How To Deal With Being Dumped On & Offline

Wed, 02 Jun 2010 11:56:00 -0400

My friend just dumped a girl via email with HnTdO’s dump email (minus strikethrough text). As if on cue, she began a barrage of texts, facebook messages, IMs and emails that repeatedly begged the question “why?” and petitioned him to reconsider. They had only been going out for two weeks…

To this girl, and girls everywhere, I offer you this advice on how to deal with being dumped - on or offline.

You’ve lost the guy already. He was feeling ‘meh’ about you so he left. Chasing after him, pleading with him like a desperate sack of needy sadness will only make him thank God twelve times to next Tuesday that he dumped you. By doing so, you’ve taken him from feeling ambiguous to rejoiceful about the demise of your breif relationship.

That is what you have accomplished.

You can gracefully exit stage right with your dignity, class and hotness in tact or you can kick, scream and cry until you awkwardly fall off the stage.

-> Exit Gracefully. And on your way home, buy yourself a pair of F*ck You heels.

I am famous for sad clowns.

Wed, 26 May 2010 12:05:00 -0400

Fun with Pigeons

Mon, 24 May 2010 11:41:00 -0400

... there's a Seal album I've been meaning to listen to again...

Mon, 24 May 2010 10:09:00 -0400

If Anna Wintour and Rachel Zoe made a baby and then Kate...

Thu, 20 May 2010 15:10:00 -0400

If Anna Wintour and Rachel Zoe made a baby and then Kate Gosselin’s old hair aspirated on said baby’s vomit - it would be Single #4, ‘ËaÚX.

How to Dump Online: Email

Wed, 12 May 2010 11:07:00 -0400

Subject Line: ~~I’ve Notified Law Enforcement~~ Good Memories

Dear Tabitha,

I’ve been doing a lot of ~~heavy drinking~~ thinking, and I ~~want to deboard your crazy train~~ don’t think we should keep seeing each other. I really like ~~your apartment~~ you and I’m obviously very attracted ~~to your roommate~~ you, and in a lot ways I ~~am baffled as to how you manage to function daily on even the most basic level~~ we match well, but I just can’t see myself ~~watching you pick lint off your sweater and eat it again~~ staying in a relationship here.

It’s a very ~~specific~~ general feeling, more based on ~~the incident where you shoved the prongs of a fork under your thumbnail until it bled without comment~~ where I am in my life. It’s ~~easy~~ hard to explain, and I guess I needed my recent vacation to ~~hide from you~~ figure things out, but I really feel like it wouldn’t be fair to keep ~~boning~~ seeing you ~~after i found the dead racoons in your freezer~~ if that’s the way I’m leaning. I feel like if I don’t make this decision now, ~~my life will be at risk in the very near future~~ we’d both get more and more emotionally invested, and yet I’d still feel like I’d need to ~~probably move out of state~~ leave, and then it would be much worse ~~for my physical safety~~.

Just to be clear, this has ~~everything~~ nothing to do with ~~everything~~ anything you did or ~~definitely did~~ didn’t do. You’ve ~~caused my very soul to shudder~~ been great in all ways, and I really did ~~recoil in disgust~~ enjoy getting to know you. Believe me this was ~~a prudent~~ not an easy decision to make, and it’s not one I made ~~without first securing an order of protection~~ lightly either.

I wish you ~~were locked up~~ the best - you’re ~~on your way to a 72 hour involuntary psych hold~~ brilliant, every idea you have is ~~born of some deeply seeded psychosis~~ pure genius! You’re ~~beyond drug therapy~~ hilarious yet ~~curiously allowed to roam free~~ sensitive, ~~tolerably attractive~~ cute yet ~~bangable~~ sexy also. And you could win gold in the ~~crazier than a sh*thouse rat contest~~ kissing olympics. Please don’t ~~call me~~ hate me, and I hope ~~you are very far away very soon~~ understand.

~~I’ve already changed my name,~~ Best of luck to you in all that you do,

-~~Formerly~~ Max Smith

Sheb Strikes Again: IM Courtship Don'ts

Tue, 20 Apr 2010 12:28:56 -0400

1:30 PM
Sheb: what u doing right now
AnnieGetUrFun: I just finished giving my dog a bath
Sheb: what kind of dog
AnnieGetUrFun: Chihuahua
Sheb: what size
AnnieGetUrFun: teacup
Sheb: long hair or short hair?
AnnieGetUrFun: short, why?
1:37 PM
AnnieGetUrFun: hello?
1:39 PM
[Sheb has gone idle]
2:23 PM
[Sheb is back online]
AnnieGetUrFun: hey, where you been?
2:23 PM
Sheb: I just injured myself m*sterbating
[AnnieGetUrFun has signed off]

6 Poor Choices in Online Dating Usernames

Mon, 19 Apr 2010 15:02:00 -0400

~WOMEN~

cathoarder

PostCoitalCryer

BirthnHipz

~Men~

ItsNotContagiousAnymore

BringUrKneePads

MasterWarlockScytheWeilder

10 Things You Should NOT Wear On A First Date

Thu, 15 Apr 2010 13:06:26 -0400

1. Your mother’s wedding dress.

2. Your old prom dress.

3. Your hospital bracelet from the 72hr involuntary hold in the psych ward that you just got released from.

4. Your sister’s wedding dress.

5. Your favorite kitty shirt.

6. The sweater you made out of your ex-boyfriend’s hair.

7. Shoes that make fart sounds when your feet sweat.

8. The plaid mumu you fashioned out of an old christmas tree skirt.

9. Your best friend’s wedding dress.

10. Your wedding dress (like, you know, just in case you really hit it off).

How Not 2 Chat With A Potential Date Online: Books

Thu, 08 Apr 2010 02:58:27 -0400

WBurgHauteSauce: I guess I just want to own my own beatnik-era book truck, like a taco truck, but with like Hunter S. Thompson instead in lieu of tostadas.
Sheb: What?
WBurgHauteSauce: What's your big dream?
Sheb: huh?
WBurgHauteSauce: ur goal in life or whatever. duh...
Sheb: I want to touch every book in the New York City Public Libary with my left index finger.
WBurgHauteSauce: Oh
WBurgHauteSauce: Ok
WBurgHauteSauce: why?
Sheb: Because I got arrested when i tried to do it with my d*ck.
[WBurgHauteSauce has signed off]

10 Things You Should NOT Do On a First Date

Tue, 23 Mar 2010 18:06:43 -0400

1. Show up 37 minutes late and explain that number is symbolic because its both the number of times you have seen “You’ve Got Mail” and cry on an average day.

2. Refuse to eat because your collar bone is fat.

3. Offer up an account of your family’s mental health history.

4. Throw up in your purse.

5. Throw up on your date

6. Draw Blood (on purpose).

7. Demand to be taken to another location closer to sea level.

8. Take issue with the venue’s lack of handmade crockery unless said venue advertised the presence of handmade crockery.

9. Call your Nana at the dinner table to remind her to tuck your dolls in for you.

10. Offer to pay in foreign currency.

KENYA MARRY ME? PART DEUX: "Last week i was peeling scabs off my former roommate Frank's back while he slept..."

Fri, 19 Mar 2010 11:45:44 -0400

KENYA MARRY ME? PART 1 "At times I am convinced I am an owl, and regurgitate my own food, then proudly put my human owl pellet on display in the window."

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 13:21:00 -0400

I have no problem with this message.

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 18:07:00 -0400

I have no problem with this message.

"Things that make your soul shudder: getting a wink from user “kinkydad."

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 15:16:07 -0400

“Things that make your soul shudder: getting a *wink* from user “kinkydad.””

“I live near an oil spill…”

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 14:59:31 -0400

“I live near an oil spill…”

Internet Dating. Find a partner who will stand by you as you...

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 12:39:48 -0400

Internet Dating. Find a partner who will stand by you as you navigate the cholesterol-lined path to your dreams.

How (Not) to Date Online

Sweaters

Pies For The Blind

Equus Redux

Advice: How To Deal With Being Dumped On & Offline

I am famous for sad clowns.

Fun with Pigeons

... there's a Seal album I've been meaning to listen to again...

If Anna Wintour and Rachel Zoe made a baby and then Kate...

How to Dump Online: Email

Sheb Strikes Again: IM Courtship Don'ts

6 Poor Choices in Online Dating Usernames

10 Things You Should NOT Wear On A First Date

How Not 2 Chat With A Potential Date Online: Books

10 Things You Should NOT Do On a First Date

KENYA MARRY ME? PART DEUX: "Last week i was peeling scabs off my former roommate Frank's back while he slept..."

KENYA MARRY ME? PART 1 "At times I am convinced I am an owl, and regurgitate my own food, then proudly put my human owl pellet on display in the window."

I have no problem with this message.

"Things that make your soul shudder: getting a *wink* from user “kinkydad."

“I live near an oil spill…”

Internet Dating. Find a partner who will stand by you as you...

"Things that make your soul shudder: getting a wink from user “kinkydad."