How (Not) to Date Online

How to Dump Online: Email

Subject Line: I’ve Notified Law Enforcement Good Memories

Dear Tabitha,

I’ve been doing a lot of heavy drinking thinking, and I want to deboard your crazy train don’t think we should keep seeing each other.  I really like your apartment you and I’m obviously very attracted to your roommate you, and in a lot ways I am baffled as to how you manage to function daily on even the most basic level we match well, but I just can’t see myself watching you pick lint off your sweater and eat it again staying in a relationship here. 

It’s a very specific general feeling, more based on the incident where you shoved the prongs of a fork under your thumbnail until it bled without comment where I am in my life.  It’s easy hard to explain, and I guess I needed my recent vacation to hide from you figure things out, but I really feel like it wouldn’t be fair to keep boning seeing you after i found the dead racoons in your freezer if that’s the way I’m leaning.  I feel like if I don’t make this decision now, my life will be at risk in the very near future we’d both get more and more  emotionally invested, and yet I’d still feel like I’d need to probably move out of state leave, and then it would be much worse for my physical safety.

Just to be clear, this has everything nothing to do with everything anything you did or definitely did didn’t do.  You’ve caused my very soul to shudder been great in all ways, and I really did recoil in disgust enjoy getting to know you.  Believe me this was a prudent not an easy decision to make, and it’s not one I made without first securing an order of protection lightly either.

I wish you were locked up the best - you’re on your way to a 72 hour involuntary psych hold brilliant, every idea you have is born of some deeply seeded psychosis pure genius!  You’re beyond drug therapy hilarious yet curiously allowed to roam free sensitive, tolerably attractive cute yet bangable sexy also.  And you could win gold in the crazier than a sh*thouse rat contest kissing olympics.  Please don’t call me hate me, and I hope you are very far away very soon understand. 

I’ve already changed my name, Best of luck to you in all that you do,

-Formerly Max Smith

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6 Poor Choices in Online Dating Usernames

~WOMEN~

cathoarder

PostCoitalCryer

BirthnHipz

~Men~

ItsNotContagiousAnymore

BringUrKneePads

MasterWarlockScytheWeilder

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10 Things You Should NOT Wear On A First Date

1. Your mother’s wedding dress.

2. Your old prom dress. 

3. Your hospital bracelet from the 72hr involuntary hold in the psych ward that you just got released from.

4. Your sister’s wedding dress.

5. Your favorite kitty shirt.

6. The sweater you made out of your ex-boyfriend’s hair.

7. Shoes that make fart sounds when your feet sweat.

8. The plaid mumu you fashioned out of an old christmas tree skirt.

9. Your best friend’s wedding dress.

10. Your wedding dress (like, you know, just in case you really hit it off).

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10 Things You Should NOT Do On a First Date

1. Show up 37 minutes late and explain that number is symbolic because its both the number of times you have seen “You’ve Got Mail” and cry on an average day.

2. Refuse to eat because your collar bone is fat.

3. Offer up an account of your family’s mental health history.

4. Throw up in your purse.

5. Throw up on your date

6. Draw Blood (on purpose).

7. Demand to be taken to another location closer to sea level.

8. Take issue with the venue’s lack of handmade crockery unless said venue advertised the presence of handmade crockery.

9. Call your Nana at the dinner table to remind her to tuck your dolls in for you.

10. Offer to pay in foreign currency.

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KENYA MARRY ME? PART DEUX: “Last week i was peeling scabs off my former roommate Frank’s back while he slept…”

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KENYA MARRY ME? PART 1 “At times I am convinced I am an owl, and regurgitate my own food, then proudly put my human owl pellet on display in the window.”

i am evil but you are probably trying to get me to give you my bank account number