How (Not) to Date Online

Apr 19

6 Poor Choices in Online Dating Usernames

~WOMEN~

cathoarder

PostCoitalCryer

BirthnHipz

~Men~

ItsNotContagiousAnymore

BringUrKneePads

MasterWarlockScytheWeilder

Apr 15

10 Things You Should NOT Wear On A First Date

1. Your mother’s wedding dress.

2. Your old prom dress. 

3. Your hospital bracelet from the 72hr involuntary hold in the psych ward that you just got released from.

4. Your sister’s wedding dress.

5. Your favorite kitty shirt.

6. The sweater you made out of your ex-boyfriend’s hair.

7. Shoes that make fart sounds when your feet sweat.

8. The plaid mumu you fashioned out of an old christmas tree skirt.

9. Your best friend’s wedding dress.

10. Your wedding dress (like, you know, just in case you really hit it off).

Apr 08

How Not 2 Chat With A Potential Date Online: Books

• WBurgHauteSauce: I guess I just want to own my own beatnik-era book truck, like a taco truck, but with like Hunter S. Thompson instead in lieu of tostadas.
• Sheb: What?
• WBurgHauteSauce: What's your big dream?
• Sheb: huh?
• WBurgHauteSauce: ur goal in life or whatever. duh...
• Sheb: I want to touch every book in the New York City Public Libary with my left index finger.
• WBurgHauteSauce: Oh
• WBurgHauteSauce: Ok
• WBurgHauteSauce: why?
• Sheb: Because I got arrested when i tried to do it with my d*ck.
• [WBurgHauteSauce has signed off]

Mar 23

10 Things You Should NOT Do On a First Date

1. Show up 37 minutes late and explain that number is symbolic because its both the number of times you have seen “You’ve Got Mail” and cry on an average day.

2. Refuse to eat because your collar bone is fat.

3. Offer up an account of your family’s mental health history.

4. Throw up in your purse.

5. Throw up on your date

6. Draw Blood (on purpose).

7. Demand to be taken to another location closer to sea level.

8. Take issue with the venue’s lack of handmade crockery unless said venue advertised the presence of handmade crockery.

9. Call your Nana at the dinner table to remind her to tuck your dolls in for you.

10. Offer to pay in foreign currency.

Mar 19

KENYA MARRY ME? PART DEUX: “Last week i was peeling scabs off my former roommate Frank’s back while he slept…”

Mar 18

KENYA MARRY ME? PART 1 “At times I am convinced I am an owl, and regurgitate my own food, then proudly put my human owl pellet on display in the window.”

Mar 17

I have no problem with this message.

“Things that make your soul shudder: getting a *wink* from user “kinkydad.”

“I live near an oil spill…”

Internet Dating. Find a partner who will stand by you as you navigate the cholesterol-lined path to your dreams.