How (Not) to Date Online: Archive

6 tags

Sweaters

Jun 7th

2 notes

6 tags

Jun 4th

1 note

5 tags

Jun 2nd

2 notes

5 tags

Advice: How To Deal With Being Dumped On & Offline

My friend just dumped a girl via email with HnTdO’s dump email (minus strikethrough text). As if on cue, she began a barrage of texts, facebook messages, IMs and emails that repeatedly begged the question “why?” and petitioned him to reconsider. They had only been going out for two weeks… To this girl, and girls everywhere, I offer you this advice on how to deal with...

Jun 2nd

7 tags

I am famous for sad clowns.

May 26th

5 tags

Fun with Pigeons

May 24th

7 tags

... there's a Seal album I've been meaning to...

May 24th

2 notes

8 tags

May 20th

4 tags

How to Dump Online: Email

Subject Line: I’ve Notified Law Enforcement Good Memories Dear Tabitha, I’ve been doing a lot of heavy drinking thinking, and I want to deboard your crazy train don’t think we should keep seeing each other. I really like your apartment you and I’m obviously very attracted to your roommate you, and in a lot ways I am baffled as to how you manage to function daily on even...

May 12th

6 notes

6 tags

Sheb Strikes Again: IM Courtship Don'ts

1: 30 PM 
Sheb: what u doing right now
AnnieGetUrFun: I just finished giving my dog a bath
Sheb: what kind of dog
AnnieGetUrFun: Chihuahua
Sheb: what size
AnnieGetUrFun: teacup
Sheb: long hair or short hair?
AnnieGetUrFun: short, why?
1: 37 PM
AnnieGetUrFun: hello?
1: 39 PM 
 [Sheb has gone idle]
2: 23 PM
 [Sheb is back online]
AnnieGetUrFun: hey, where you been?
2: 23 PM
Sheb: I just injured myself m*sterbating
 [AnnieGetUrFun has signed off]

Apr 20th

4 tags

6 Poor Choices in Online Dating Usernames

~WOMEN~ cathoarder PostCoitalCryer BirthnHipz ~Men~ ItsNotContagiousAnymore BringUrKneePads MasterWarlockScytheWeilder

Apr 19th

4 tags

10 Things You Should NOT Wear On A First Date

1. Your mother’s wedding dress. 2. Your old prom dress. 3. Your hospital bracelet from the 72hr involuntary hold in the psych ward that you just got released from. 4. Your sister’s wedding dress. 5. Your favorite kitty shirt. 6. The sweater you made out of your ex-boyfriend’s hair. 7. Shoes that make fart sounds when your feet sweat. 8. The plaid mumu you fashioned out of...

Apr 15th

7 tags

How Not 2 Chat With A Potential Date Online: Books

WBurgHauteSauce: I guess I just want to own my own beatnik-era book truck, like a taco truck, but with like Hunter S. Thompson instead in lieu of tostadas. 
Sheb: What?
WBurgHauteSauce: What's your big dream?
Sheb: huh?
WBurgHauteSauce: ur goal in life or whatever. duh...
Sheb: I want to touch every book in the New York City Public Libary with my left index finger.
WBurgHauteSauce: Oh
WBurgHauteSauce: Ok
WBurgHauteSauce: why?
Sheb: Because I got arrested when i tried to do it with my d*ck.
 [WBurgHauteSauce has signed off]

Apr 8th

1 note

4 tags

10 Things You Should NOT Do On a First Date

1. Show up 37 minutes late and explain that number is symbolic because its both the number of times you have seen “You’ve Got Mail” and cry on an average day. 2. Refuse to eat because your collar bone is fat. 3. Offer up an account of your family’s mental health history. 4. Throw up in your purse. 5. Throw up on your date 6. Draw Blood (on purpose). 7. Demand to be...

Mar 23rd

4 notes

7 tags

KENYA MARRY ME? PART DEUX: "Last week i was...

Mar 19th

1 tag

KENYA MARRY ME? PART 1 "At times I am convinced I...

Mar 18th

2 notes

1 tag

Mar 17th

2 notes

5 tags

“Things that make your soul shudder: getting a *wink* from user “kinkydad.”

Mar 17th

6 tags

Mar 17th

2 notes

4 tags

Mar 17th

2 notes

4 tags

Mar 17th

8 tags

Mar 9th

2 notes

5 tags

Mar 9th

5 tags

Mar 9th

2 notes

5 tags

Mar 9th

3 notes

5 tags

Feb 18th

4 tags

Things You Shouldn't Reveal Over IM to Your...

PurdyGirl86: I'd like to start my own bizness some day. What do you want outa life?
Sheb: i want to make enough money so that i can spend 15 years in a huge cage, naked, with nothing but porn and an endless supply of food.
 [PurdyGirl86 has signed off]

Feb 18th

8 tags

Jan 22nd

9 tags

How (Not) To Date Online Offline: Mustard Scotch

me: I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU DID THAT
 YOU PUT MUSTARD IN YOUR SCOTCH
Sheb: i am the greatest hero in American history
me: YOU DID THIS ON A DATE
Sheb: of course
me: A FIRST DATE
Sheb: well, we were with other people
me: did you do it earnestly and casually? or was it in haha self-inflicted pie-in-face manner?
Sheb: fairly casually
 i think someone had to ask me what the hell i was doing
me: Have you heard from this girl since?
Sheb: not really
 [Sheb & I have been friends for ten years. There isn't a boundary he hasn't sheb'd all over.]